The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*