“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
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Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now