“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
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[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project