Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.