@squirrel74wkgn

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

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@TheOnion

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

@roxiqt

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@KrangTNelson

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

@poutinesmoothie

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.