“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
You Might Also Like
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Well well well…
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.