-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Dogs that belong to homeless people must think “just say you’re sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.