Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
True story 🤣
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys