Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

I put the p in pants.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

quarantine day 3

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.