“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
As the Lord intended
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life