“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
United Steaks of America
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*