“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
(2022)
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.