“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.