“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Does your wife know you’re single?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk