“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.