“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.