Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot