Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My dating profile:
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”