“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home