“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
time for some seasonal decor
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?