Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
And then there were 4
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.