Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
You Might Also Like
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.