Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.