Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Worst bar ever.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.