Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
throat sock season is upon us.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!