Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
