“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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I know
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I hate my earbuds.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.