“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?