“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist