Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how DARE

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

a fate I wish upon no one

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

The Friday File.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is