Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

My inexpensive home security system…

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Easy enough.

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.