Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
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Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope