“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
cyclists
