Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

That earthquake could have been an email.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red