“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
