@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

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@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

@Bandersnaaatch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@melibuff

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

@graceupongracie

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off