“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.