Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love texting my boyfriend
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.