Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories