Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?