“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Google assistant rules
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*