“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
pizza
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap