“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
.. do you even science?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?