Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again