Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
You Might Also Like
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
#FunnyLife Insects
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*watches the world burn*
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!