Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me in tagged photos
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.