Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
🤭😂
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
thank god the sign was there
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.