Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Love is in the air fryer.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows