Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.