Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
😩😩😩
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail