Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*