Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
i think my razor is having a panic attack
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….