Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
This meal prepping shit easy
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Meow
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…