Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.