Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
man i love columbo
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back