Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

😂😂

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy