Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.