Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
🐟✨ #re4
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.