Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

My dog learned how to text

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”