Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

weddings should have a worst man

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

How your email finds me

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.