haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
The Sun
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.