haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
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Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
the battle rages on
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people