Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.