haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
thanksgiving in nutshell
