Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….