Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You Might Also Like
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
😏😏😏
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Well, that didn’t work.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.