Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them