Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance