Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”