Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
That was easy.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.