Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Me trying to walk in a dream
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”