Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.