[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
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A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair
All three will have blackmail pics
Whoever said ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’ was lying, we love sleep.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
Sometimes Victoria’s Secret is Victor’s secret on weekends.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS