Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
You Might Also Like
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it