Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Britain be like
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.