Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
And that about sums it up.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.