Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”