Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.