Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

ㅤㅤ

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?