Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
At least he brought enough for everyone
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force