Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

*aggressively waits in line*

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

idk flipping houses looks really hard

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open